I’m craving the rush of feeling especially special; in all the good ways possible.  And, feeling like I can give that too and have it be understood, appreciated, and enjoyed.

I almost called in sick today.  I didn’t feel ready to face today.  I don’t feel 100% confident in my choices.  I’m scared and insecure.  But, the past few years have taught me to face fears straight on and I’ve never been one to run away from a challenge.  So, I’ll be fearless today even if I have to convince myself of it.  I have to take risks and move forward and challenge myself.  And, I can’t regret my decisions because, even if it turns out badly, I at least stood for something.

While there are definitely some doubts, concern, and sadness associated with moving on to a new job with a new company, there is still much to be excited about.  I saw some pictures of the space today and am pretty sure I’ll gain some great experience from the job.  I wasn’t able to talk to my partner about it - and while I wish I had been able to - I also realize that this decision is for me.  I can’t make it based on outside factors or fear.  I will miss so many things about sharing a work place.  I’ve been spoiled.  But, now, I need to grow up and understand that we will work through the changes.  And, I’ll be better for going through this change - both personally and professionally.  I have a bit of time before I need to make it official - and I’ll use that time to continue to do some strong reflection on my choices.

Yesterday morning I was a bundle of nerves, but save that, I’m really proud and content with how I’ve handled myself the past few days.  It definitely, is not, all about me all the time, and I feel good when I can be supportive for others.

Through all the less happy times lately, I’ve made some strides.  I’ve counted on others and they’ve pulled me through.  I’ve done things emotionally that I always tried to be able to do but was never in a good head space for it.  And, while change is slow, it’s still very notable.  I’ve felt some uneasyness lately too - but I’m trying to turn that around.  I’m trying to focus on today and what I’m grateful for.  And, not things I might have felt were ‘lost’.  And, it’s working!  Things aren’t great and I can only control myself but, there’s no reason to dwell on anything that brings me down.

I have no idea how to begin recovering from tonight.

I can’t remember ever feeling this hurt or alone.  I needed support and I got walked out on.  So, I’m crying, and cursing.  And, I want to do something/anything to take the pain away.  I fucking hate life right now.

Work has been incredibly chaotic the past week or two. And, it’ll continue to be so for some time.  With two of our divisions splitting off, everyone is concerned about their jobs and what the future looks like.  With what section of the company is the best, most stable, place to be?  I’ve figured out where I want to be; whether it’s going to be best in the long run, I have no idea.  But, I’m willing to take a chance if the opportunity arises.

To de-stress, I tried hot yoga for the first time last night.  It was hard.  After, I was mentally and physically tired (and for hours after too) but the most striking thing was that I felt super clean.  I felt like I’d detoxed, to some extent.  And, everything I drank (especially water) tasted chemically and dirty.  Weird.  Anyway, I’m only a bit sore; and, do plan to go back.

It’s been a long and trying week/weekend.  I finished up my interviews today for the job position I’m not sure I really want.  But, the upside is, I got approached about a different position as well - but it would cause me to leave Real.  It’s comfortable here and I’m not 100% sure I’m ready to move on.  But, the opportunity could be great for me to try something new.  So, I’m torn.  Also, in the back of my head, I wonder if my making a move will affect my relationship with my partner.  We’ve worked together for as long as we’ve known each other - and I love it!  What will things be like when we don’t have that anymore?  Will it matter?  I don’t know.  It’s an unknown.  There are actually a lot of small challenges I find myself facing right now - in many different areas of life.  They overlap which creates stress, but they’re each small on their own.  So, I dunno - I’m a bit off and have felt that way all weekend.  I hope it’s just me and not indicative of something bigger.  Seems a lot of change could be on the horizon and I really hope for the best for all of it.

I don’t even know how to begin to describe the dualist nature of the feelings I went through last night.

Something superficial and out of my control, came between my partner and I.  And, the timing of him telling me about it just destroyed me.  I was so grateful that he was able to verbalize it to me because I knew it was so hard for him.  But, at the same time, it made me so incredibly sad.  I cried myself to sleep, cried in the morning, and during the day at work.  And, the irony of the whole thing was, I was so proud of him for speaking up, but I couldn’t grieve in his presence because that would show him how hard it hit me and I didn’t want to discourage him from sharing in the future.  So, there was really only the choice to grieve alone.  And I am.  I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is.  And, I don’t know how great a toll it will take on my future confidence.  I do know that I’ll hesitate in the same circumstances, at least for a while.  I do think the saddest part is how badly the whole situation broke me down.  How it made me feel so disgusting and unlovable and tiny.