I swear, you never know how things are going to play out.  Situations that seem hopeless or definitely at their end aren’t always so.  And, I’ll attribute that to open minds, flexibility, and willingness.  Those things might seem like ‘givens’ for some people but under new circumstances where anyone and everyone involved is just trying to feel out the situation and understand the sides, it really is quite remarkable.  And, I’ll also give thanks to people owning their own feelings and respecting views that they don’t share as their own.

Today, I’m really grateful for what I have.  Because, even in the midst of so much difficulty and struggle and new experiences, what’s still at my foundation is really the most wonderful thing of all.

Things change slowly over time, and there are so many times I wish I could go back.  I miss the feelings and the energy associated with what was.  And, don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of other things that are important and good — but just different.  Sometimes I have trouble letting go.

And, sometimes, someone says something and it essentially hits you like a brick wall.  I had one of those moments last night, and I panicked inside.  It was because, I had never heard him say that before.  And, in my head, it went.. ‘Well, you’ve never said that before.  Why did you all of a sudden feel that?  Did I do something wrong?  It kind of makes me sad that you feel that way.’

I try to remember that this is a volitle time.  That, things are changing and fucked up and neither of us are really ourselves.  I try to convince myself that it’s just that.  But, it’s hard.

I’m so fucking tired.  It’s 10am and I slept in because I couldn’t get myself out of bed.  Now, the thought of going to work out or studying or actually working (which is what I’m supposed to be doing today) is really daunting.  I told my partner I’d make dinner tonight for him but I don’t think I can do it.. I can’t muster the energy to go to the store to pick up the few things it will take.  So, I’ll kindly ask if we can do something else and he’ll agree because he’s awesome.  But, I’ll feel like a let down because I thought I could handle something simple and this week, I just can’t.

I’m reading in class about the Endocrine system, and funny enough, it’s extremely applicable to life right now.  My adrenaline and stress levels has been through the roof the past 24-36 hours.  And, it’s all about decisions and angles and complicated situations.  And, I’ve never lived this before.  I don’t know where the lines are, where the grey is, and where I might stumble.  On the other hand, it’s black and white and screams clarity.  What I dread most is the waiting and the thinking.. I need to remind myself to cut it out, let it go, and just.. not get caught up in the ‘what if’s’.  I don’t know what will happen but I do know that, in the end, I’ll have learned something and hopefully gained some understanding and strengthened a relationship(s).

It might sound silly, but somewhere along the way, I forgot what it felt like not to fight all the time.  We’d been struggling for so long that we lived in that place where anger and frustration were so common they almost felt ‘normal’.  But, things are changing.  I now know what it feels like not to fight all the time; and to know what it feels like to focus on the big things and get over little scuffles quickly.  This weekend, my partner and I had our two year anniversary.  I can’t believe it - two years!  What started out so fleeting and unpredictable has beaten the odds.  We’ve transformed ourselves, and how we relate to each other.  The progress has been commendable - we’re living this for us and doing what works for us.  And, yes, it’s good.  I want more.  I want more surprises, and love, and experiences, and challenges!

This weekend was also my first lab for my A&P2 class.  I was so nervous.  I hadn’t been in a classroom setting in years, and I’d forgotten most of what I learned two years ago in the first half of the series.  Did I study enough for the test?  Would I be able to handle dissection okay?  Would I find a lab partner who I could work with and not feel left out?  So yeah, I made it through; I don’t think I failed the test; I completed the lab and all in all, I know I’ll make it through this quarter.  It’ll be long and difficult but I really want this for me.

It’s only the second week of 2010 and I can already see the huge changes that this year will bring.  They’re not all good or bad but they’ll be meaningful, in one way or another.  The worst of the list?  My mom is likely going to be moving out of her home.  We don’t yet know what the living situation will be, but it saddens me (and my dad) to no end, that things have come to this.  While making the move is obviously the right thing to do, it’s still incredibly difficult.  The best of the list?  Well, that is likely yet to be seen, but in my present, it’s that my living situation is likely to change as well.  And, much for the better!  The nervous excitement brews and the curiosity of it all brings a spark to my eyes.

Yesterday was a Wednesday.  And, for the first time in maybe a year, I didn’t even think twice about it.  The good feelings flowed seamlessly from Monday to Tuesday to Wednesday to Thursday.  The little changes we’ve made really showed through this week.  Will every week feel like this one?  Likely not - but this one has gone just as I’d hoped.  And, on top of that, some exciting revelations for a Wednesday, at that.  It makes me giddy, just thinking about it.  More to be revealed later.

Some days, I am confident and feel like I can take on the world.  Then, there are days like today, when I feel so small.  And, I really don’t know if I’m on the right path.  Days like today, I want to give in to the words “I can’t”.  I want relief from the constant uncomfortable-ness, and then I realize, that’s just my life.  And, maybe it will always be?  And, I sigh.

Slept about 2 or 3 hours total last night.  This morning, attempted to ask for what I needed/wanted.  ::silence::  Well, that doesn’t help much.