I really like organizing gatherings, I just never really got the chance to much before.  And, I haven’t thrown myself a birthday party in years .. mostly because I have a small circle of friends and I didn’t feel special enough to be the center of attention anyways.  But, this year was different.  Ryan and I have birthdays close together so we threw a joint party.  And, people came.  And, had fun!  I enjoyed myself and I think overall, it was a pretty successful shindig.  One of our guests said she had a great time, and said I was a great host.. that she saw me making an effort to talk to everyone and introduce people and help those who didn’t know anyone feel more comfortable.  That made me feel so good because it was one of the things I was most worried about.  It was a very mixed crowd from different areas of our lives, and to hear that just made me glow.

Working out is such a mental game.  I wasn’t feeling well today and was dreading going to the X-Gym.  Well, I dread it every time I have to go.  But, I always go.  I’d feel guilty and bad about myself if I didn’t.  I’d think I wimped out on me.  So, today, I went by literally dragging my ass there.  The trainer I had today (Jen) said that she noticed my legs and abs are really strong!  She said I’m making good progress.  Sometimes I don’t notice because it’s me and small changes are hard to see.  But, more than gaining muscle and toning my body, going there has really strengthened me mentally.  It prepares me for dealing with things and working through them; as hard as things can be and as much as they push me.

My mom has an incurable disease that may be genetically passed.  I’ve thought long and hard for the past 5 years if I wanted to get tested to find out if I would get the disease from her.  Lately, some circumstances have arisen and some opinions voiced that have helped me decide that yes, I want to be tested.  I made an appointment and talked with my doctor and found out that yes, they offer the test.  The catch though, is that my mom needs to be tested first to find out what mutated gene she has.  So, I’m dreading bringing this up with my dad because he always makes things difficult.  Especially when they’re important to me.  I’m not sure it’s conscious or subconscious, but it always happens.  Finally, I hear back from him about an hour ago.  And, as figured, he feeds me a load of crap and a shitload of excuses about why he can’t/won’t have her (my mom) tested.  It’s fucked up.  This is not his choice but he’s making it his.  And, it doesn’t feel fair.  He always leaves things super vague too; with this, it’s that he’ll ‘look into it’ more in the next few months.  I DON’T HAVE A FEW MONTHS.  I NEED TO KNOW NOW; I PREPARED MYSELF AND NOW HE’S CHANGING THE PLAN.  This was not the plan.

So, I have this really awesome friend.  I haven’t had an awesome, supportive, caring friend that was a girl, in .. years.  Maybe since high school.  And, I have a lot of issues; and she’s always there.  She’s always the first one to check in on me and make sure I’m okay.  Sometimes, the only one.  She’s reliable, and patient, and genuine, and fun, and funny!  She’s open with me and gives advise, and also lets me know when I’m out of line.  When I first met her and her partner, I had no idea what me and my partner were getting ourselves acquainted with, lol.  And, I’m sure I can speak for both of us when I say that they’ve both become our extremely close confidants.  Partners in crime, if you will.  And I’m grateful.  I hope they both know so.

I’ve never really ‘liked’ my name.  It means war and bitterness and I wondered why I got named that while my sister’s name means peace and love.  Hrm.  So, growing up, my sister called me Mar (pronounced mare, like the horse).  It’s the only real nickname I’ve ever had.  I associate it with that period in my life and I liked it, and I want to like it outside of that time frame.  So, anywho, becoming 30, I figure it’s a good time to really like your name.  I don’t want to go drastic so I’m going to attempt to slowly adapt my identity to Mar, except I prefer the spelling Mere (i.e. what you’d expect as short for Meredith).  It still means bitterness but who cares.  I like it.

I’m having a rough week.  It’s jam packed full of things, and I think I’ve obligated myself to some things that now, I really want no part of.  And, I’m feeling needy.  The problem is, I don’t know how to approach it. I’ve always taken the approach of “Just fucking stick it out, be strong.” But, that always makes me feel bad and I just struggle.  But, asking for time or comforts or whatever feels like giving in to my neediness.  I don’t know if it’s actually doing so though; or rather, just getting my needs met.  I can’t decide.

I’m reading a new book called “Broken Promises, Mended Hearts: Maintaining Turst in Love Relationships”.  I know that a lof of self-help books can be hokey but this one is about the basics of trust and everything about it and I find it incredibly helpful.  It’s verbalized and put into complete thoughts a lot of things I may have known subconsciously but never really thought about concisely or thought about in the right terms.  I’m just starting on the book but I’m already excited about it.  It’s bluntness has made me take a hard look at myself and what I really bring to the table in relationships.  Because, trust is just as much about how I percieve things as it is about how others treat me.

This is how you do pickingupgirls.youredoingitright.com –>

Subject: Interesting

Message: It’s quite interesting how open you are here on OKC. It’s quite to the contrary of most and I suspect that you get quite a lot of spam message from guys who don’t have a chance.

I wouldn’t normally be messaging you (I tend to stay away from girls that are older than me or attached), but your profile has certainly piqued my interest. I don’t know if it’s the photography aspect, the working professional aspect, or just wanting to fully understand the meaning of your username.

Regardless, I’m a single white male looking for… I’m not sure what. I thought I wanted to find “good sex” a couple months ago (and I found it), but when I thought there could be more and there wasn’t… it tore me up.

Maybe that’s the attraction. You’re, to me, what’s normally unattainable — yet you’re very open about talking about sex, potentially having sex, and having no unknowns about it. You’re taken, so that’s it.

I’m sure I’m getting way ahead of myself, but openness deserves openness in return, I suppose. If you have any kind of remote interest in me for whatever it is you’re looking for — sexual or not — hit me back. Enjoy your night and I hope to hear from you soon.

And, that message, indeed gets a reply.  In fact, it spawns conversation of the intellectual sort!