I had an up and down day.  And, at a time when I was mini-freaking out about something that happened, someone stepped in.  I got guidance and comfort and understanding.  And, it just really saved my day and maybe more.

My partners’ best friend, we’ll call him S, doesn’t live here and I’ve only met him once in a very brief fashion.  And, we liked each other just fine, it seemed.  He’s extremely up-front and open about things, he’s got a wicked sense of humor and when he’s got your back, he’s GOT your back.  So, our dynamic is a lot of bullshitting and innuendos and generally light hearted fare.  With all his joke cracking, it’s been hard to see what other sides of him there are.

But, today was different.  I needed someone and he stepped up.  I wasn’t anticipating it; I was planning on working through things on my own.  But, he offered an ear and I gladly accepted.  It did wonders for me.  He was honest and open and helped me get a glimpse into some of the things I sometimes forget.  He drilled me down to the basics and the foundations and blew open my fears to expose what was really behind them.  And, I answered a lot of my own questions.  I saw a side of him I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to see.  I imagine it’s saved for close confidants in deep times of need.  Either way, I’m not sure I’ll ever view things the same now.  No one else might ever know what took place in the conversation but it gave me confidence  and direction and understanding.  It helped me be grateful and feel blessed.  And, yeah, maybe some of the things I shared would have better been suited for my partner, but this happened because it needed to happen.  And, I’m so much better for it.

It’s been a very odd week.  Things outside me have affected me deeply.  I’ve been good actually but my surroundings feel a bit off and it’s caused me some heartache.  I’m working very hard to keep up my faith and hope.  Because, that’s all I have and it’s everything right now.  It’ll pull me through; it hasn’t failed me yet.

I output a ton of mental and emotional cycles yesterday, trying to be a good person.  It wasn’t entirely for nothing; I succeeded in some lights.  Today, I’m feeling it.  Just feeling a tad down and overwhelmed.  The social calendar is feeling overwhelming.  I don’t say no well and I don’t wanna let anyone down.

I used to really struggle with my alone time.  I mean, I needed it but there was always a scary element to it.  I never knew what I didn’t know.  And, that was scary.  I never want to be tied down to rules and for them to bind my life, but I’ll admit, having guidelines helps security.  I don’t feel anymore that I’ll be ambushed.  If I ever have a moment of doubt, I remember the things we have in place and I find comfort.  I over-rule my doubt.  And, that, is huge!

I went to the nutritionist last week.  Ugh.  There’s a lot of change to be made, and it’s hard work!  Bottom line, I can’t change things over night so this will be a progression.  But, I need to let up.  I want nutrition and exercise to become simple again.  The over analyzing isn’t helping anything and it takes up way too much of my spare mental cycles.  So, I begin this path of trying to simplify.

We spent the weekend down in Cottage Grove, Oregon. Ryan’s friend from Michagan was down there for the week, and she’s important to him.  So, we made the effort and time to go down there for two days.  It was fun, albeit a bit awkward at times, but totally worth it.  It was worth it for me for a few significant reasons.  The first being, that this is someone who’s really been an integral part of his life and I wanted to know her (and was glad he wanted me to).  Second, we came across a situation that was important to our current situation and I didn’t even realize it at the time.  But, it gave us a chance to show flexibility and a bit of confidence in the other.  And, for that, I was really grateful.  Having experiences that make us stronger and show each other a bit more about who we are, is priceless.

Sometimes, things change and you don’t realize how it happened until you think about it.  I’ve been on this journey of discovering (again) how to trust.  I’ve struggled with it for years now and somehow, someway, I’ve become more at peace with it than I have been in a very long time.  Becoming ‘at peace’ with it doesn’t mean I accepted the way things were.  It means, that through experiences and talks and communication, I’ve built up trust.  In retrospect, it came from going through rough times and having support through it.  It also came from words being kept and through struggling through situations which challenged my comfort levels.  It even came through small daily things that just proved reliance.  It’s not perfect; it’s not always automatic; it’s not 100%.  I still freak out once in a while, but most of the time, once I think things through, I realize it’s not such a big deal.  And, that’s the moment that the reliance and the trust kicks in.  And, I know it’ll be okay.  Because, I’ve built up the understanding that it can be.  So, I’m proud of where I’ve come to.  Whether it was the product of being pushed up against the wall or just circumstances that helped me gain a clearer understanding of my situation — it’s still progress.  I’m more trusting today of what I have than I have felt in a *very* long time.

I really like doing nice things for other people, especially my S.O. So, when I found out we’d be going to Detroit to pick up my new kitten, I thought I’d try and sneak in a surprise.  I contacted Ryan’s best friend (who live in South Bend, IL), and on a whim, asked if he’d come meet us for dinner.  I really was expecting him to say no; it’s a 3 hour drive each way, and it was a Monday night.  But, I got the opposite response.  He ever planned to talk a half day off work so he could arrive in Detroit earlier.  Fast forward ahead and our plans got changed around due to his work schedule and our plane delays but still, we got to have the dinner.  Steve was waiting at our hotel and Ryan was so surprised.  It was a great feeling for me; I support him for everything that’s in his life now, and for those who have been there for him in the past.  And, while he doesn’t get to see his Michigan friends much anymore, I felt like this was a little that went a long way.