Some days, I am confident and feel like I can take on the world.  Then, there are days like today, when I feel so small.  And, I really don’t know if I’m on the right path.  Days like today, I want to give in to the words “I can’t”.  I want relief from the constant uncomfortable-ness, and then I realize, that’s just my life.  And, maybe it will always be?  And, I sigh.

Slept about 2 or 3 hours total last night.  This morning, attempted to ask for what I needed/wanted.  ::silence::  Well, that doesn’t help much.

It’s the middle of the night and I’m up.  I’ve got a knot in my stomach and my pulse is racing.  It’s a bad night.  I don’t think I was asking much but I didn’t get anything anyway.  Wish someone was up with me!  Guess this means I have some things still to work on.  Maybe I’m not doing as well as I thought.  I hope it’s just tonight.

Through this experience of dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer’s, I’d imagined there was this line.  There was all the struggle and care before and after this one event took place.  And, that event/line was the moment that you loved one did not recognize who you were anymore.  I’d imagined that that specific moment would be terrifying and horrible and would really define the downfall of ‘the long goodbye’.  But, strangely so, that event wasn’t a line or a defining experience.  Why?  Because, it happened slowly over time.  And, now, in retrospect, I know that (most of the time) my mom does not know who I am anymore.  She does not respond to me, and maybe being ignored is the worst part of it all.  Christmas was hard as she was having a really bad day.  And, it just solidified how fast and hard it feels like my parents have fallen.  There is some part of me that felt like all this craziness and fucked up shit is ‘normal’ now, for us, and that, is truly disturbing.

The other day, a friend was incredibly surprised when I’d explained what my time management in my relationship looked like.  How I’d dealt with “on” time and “off” time.  She thought it was really weird and she said that, she believed we were way past that (or should have been).  She’s right.  That mentality is for getting-to-know-you-dating, which I am definitely not in.  She said, that we are deeply intertwined into each others lives, and our communication/living style should reflect that.  I agree.  To that end, we’ve adjusted how we communicate and I’ve expressed what I need.  And, it’s going well.  It’s definitely a change and like all changes, will take time to feel natural.  But, I want it to feel natural.  And, I think we really need this.  It’s a step forward and we’re ready for it.  I know it.

FUCK.  Really?  Christmas Eve, you suck so far.

I’ve accepted that a part of me is just that I feel emotions very deeply, and they often come on quickly and can sometimes leave just as quickly.  It’s hard for me to slow down, and really analyze things sometimes, especially if they’re very emotional for me.  I get caught up sometimes.  I think we all do.  I stayed home yesterday to just get my head straight and it was more important than I could have ever known.  I’ve read so much about processes and steps to really digging to the roots of insecurities and problems but I’d never actually put that into practice.  In fact, I was never even sure how or if I could mentally work through that.  Yesterday afternoon, while taking to most of my close friends at some point or another, I stumbled upon this digging process without even really realizing it.  I tore apart my fears into very concise pieces so that the elements were defined.  I then, looked at each piece on it’s own and as a part of the whole.  And, I noticed something.  Now that I had defined things, it wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it was in the abstract.  And second, there was a root cause to the fear pieces.  And, it had nothing to do exactly with the situation at hand.  So, I found a new approach to dealing with my situation and it was kind of a ‘DUH’ moment for me.  Even so, I was proud that I had really put in the energy to think things through without getting overly emotional or stuck because I was scared.  Now, the path is a bit clearer and the things to work on are well defined.  The plan is to work on that first and take things one step at a time.

I made a decision earlier that I was really proud of making.  Now, I’m debating about retracting it.  There were so many repercussions about putting my foot down.  And, I don’t need that pressure.  It feels unfair.  It’s a lose-lose situation for me, really.  And, in the most unfortunate way.  I’d thought so much about how to protect my social circle and those I care about, and now, the person who ends up getting out-ed is me.  I lose it either way.  And, that makes me so sad.  So, I suppose possibly retracting my statement prior is more about just letting go and having the feathers fall where they may.  It doesn’t feel like it was really my decision anymore.  But, the only thing I can control is me.  So, regardless of my feelings, perhaps it’s just better to step back.  And, further, work on new friend relationships.

I struggled through one of the hardest nights of my adult life last night.  The feelings I have are scary and they are very much signs and red flags that many things are wrong.  And, it’s difficult because I know that I have a great desire for progress but there are things/problems in the way that need to be addressed first.  It’s like jumping ahead and realizing you had a shaky platform to start from.  I am close to just saying, fuck it - I don’t need this pressure right now.  Let’s revisit this at a better time.  But, there will never be a truly ‘better’ time.  I know it’s not true, but I’ve spent so much of the last week feeling like I’m fighting everyone.  Like all I can do is struggle to defend myself and not even get anywhere near a softer place where discussion feels even and productive.

I recognize how hard it is to stand up for your own needs.  It sounds easy but telling someone what you need, especially when you know it’s not going to be a wholly positive thing for them, is hard.  And, I did it.  And, it was hard.  I did it, because I knew it would be better for me and for us, in the long run.  So, I’m prepared for any repecussions but I don’t believe there will be any.  This has been a long going battle for me, as a yes-person.  As someone who always wants to make someone else happy and do what’s best for them.  When you’re working on something like we are, you can’t do that.  You have to understand that your personal needs are just as important as someone else’s - and both have to be thought about and respected.  It didn’t feel awesome when I was in the middle of the conversation, but looking back, I’m proud that I did it.