I have no idea how to begin recovering from tonight.

I can’t remember ever feeling this hurt or alone.  I needed support and I got walked out on.  So, I’m crying, and cursing.  And, I want to do something/anything to take the pain away.  I fucking hate life right now.

Work has been incredibly chaotic the past week or two. And, it’ll continue to be so for some time.  With two of our divisions splitting off, everyone is concerned about their jobs and what the future looks like.  With what section of the company is the best, most stable, place to be?  I’ve figured out where I want to be; whether it’s going to be best in the long run, I have no idea.  But, I’m willing to take a chance if the opportunity arises.

To de-stress, I tried hot yoga for the first time last night.  It was hard.  After, I was mentally and physically tired (and for hours after too) but the most striking thing was that I felt super clean.  I felt like I’d detoxed, to some extent.  And, everything I drank (especially water) tasted chemically and dirty.  Weird.  Anyway, I’m only a bit sore; and, do plan to go back.

It’s been a long and trying week/weekend.  I finished up my interviews today for the job position I’m not sure I really want.  But, the upside is, I got approached about a different position as well - but it would cause me to leave Real.  It’s comfortable here and I’m not 100% sure I’m ready to move on.  But, the opportunity could be great for me to try something new.  So, I’m torn.  Also, in the back of my head, I wonder if my making a move will affect my relationship with my partner.  We’ve worked together for as long as we’ve known each other - and I love it!  What will things be like when we don’t have that anymore?  Will it matter?  I don’t know.  It’s an unknown.  There are actually a lot of small challenges I find myself facing right now - in many different areas of life.  They overlap which creates stress, but they’re each small on their own.  So, I dunno - I’m a bit off and have felt that way all weekend.  I hope it’s just me and not indicative of something bigger.  Seems a lot of change could be on the horizon and I really hope for the best for all of it.

I don’t even know how to begin to describe the dualist nature of the feelings I went through last night.

Something superficial and out of my control, came between my partner and I.  And, the timing of him telling me about it just destroyed me.  I was so grateful that he was able to verbalize it to me because I knew it was so hard for him.  But, at the same time, it made me so incredibly sad.  I cried myself to sleep, cried in the morning, and during the day at work.  And, the irony of the whole thing was, I was so proud of him for speaking up, but I couldn’t grieve in his presence because that would show him how hard it hit me and I didn’t want to discourage him from sharing in the future.  So, there was really only the choice to grieve alone.  And I am.  I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is.  And, I don’t know how great a toll it will take on my future confidence.  I do know that I’ll hesitate in the same circumstances, at least for a while.  I do think the saddest part is how badly the whole situation broke me down.  How it made me feel so disgusting and unlovable and tiny.

Fucking seriously?  My dad knew how important it was to me to know the genetic testing results right away.  And, now I found out through my sister that he’s known for a week and he hasn’t even contacted me.  Well, he’s contacted me about a ton of other useless shit.  And NEVER SAID A WORD.  That just makes me so angry.  He only told my sister because she asked every day, and he didn’t even tell her the whole story on the results.  So, I have no choice but to go direct to the genetic councelor.  It’s probably better this way; then I’ll know that I’m getting the true info.  It’s incredibly sad that I can’t trust or rely on him to pass along information that was SO important to me.

I said, I really like that about you.  Enough that I tried to adopt it to another situation; but, it failed. He said, That’s okay, as your other situation gives you X and I give you Y. And, at that moment, I realized there was no sadness to be had in what I felt like I’d ‘lost’ by the failure.  Because, it wasn’t actually a failure.  Different things work in different situations.  And, in the end, I still got both.

Vacation actually was awesome.  It wasn’t exactly relaxing, but it was definitely fun.  I go to Vegas about once a year, but this was the first time going with friends.  And, travelling with others is different than travelling just with your partner.  We all got along well, and were able to party little more freely than maybe we would have had it just been me and Ry.  We ate tons of awesome food and sweets, saw a wonderful show, rode a rollercoaster, did some shopping, and, had a true Vegas style night out on the town - completely with drinking and clubbing.  Ry is really not so much a club type but I was so proud of him.  He let go of his inhibitions and really showed me a different side of him.  He danced up a storm with me to music he doesn’t care for, around people he generally would tend to avoid, in an atomsphere that is really not his forte.  And, it was awesome.  I’ve got pictures to prove it - and the true mark of Vegas is that there are a lot of them that really can’t be posted online even for friends!  We’ll top it next year, I’m sure too!

I should be writing about how awesome vacation was, but instead, I’m feeling like fucking shit.  I can’t win.  It feels like every little mistake I make is bigger than the world.  And, while I thought things were going awesome, maybe that was all in my head.  Because, even if things aren’t dire, I guess they’re rocky.  And, I only get so many chances.  I can’t waste anymore.  But, the thing is, I’ll never be perfect.  I’ll always make mistakes and eventually, I’ll run out of allowances.  And, what do I do at that point?  Maybe I just want to feel like I’m not walking on pins and needles every moment.  Because, living in that kind of fear makes one not feel so much like themselves any longer.  Hopefully tomorrow this will all be just bluster in the wind.

I swear, you never know how things are going to play out.  Situations that seem hopeless or definitely at their end aren’t always so.  And, I’ll attribute that to open minds, flexibility, and willingness.  Those things might seem like ‘givens’ for some people but under new circumstances where anyone and everyone involved is just trying to feel out the situation and understand the sides, it really is quite remarkable.  And, I’ll also give thanks to people owning their own feelings and respecting views that they don’t share as their own.

Today, I’m really grateful for what I have.  Because, even in the midst of so much difficulty and struggle and new experiences, what’s still at my foundation is really the most wonderful thing of all.