Life’s busy so I don’t have much time.  But, life is good albeit busy.  My new job will likely rock.  I’ll get to meet the rest of Ryan’s family in Las Cruces this weekend.  We signed a lease together for a place in Fremont and are moving next month (whee!).  And, oh, I’m doing yoga now.  Weird.

There are few times in my professional career that I remember being as stressful as my current situation.  I think the closest thing is preparing for Opening Day of baseball season each year I worked at the Mariners.  This is similar; but different in so many ways.  I’ve been handling it okay but today, I finally felt overwhelmed.  I finally wasn’t sure I could do it.  I felt scared and unsure; and while I can take on a lot (and get a lot done), even I have limits.  And, amongst all the actual work, there are the social aspects of what I’m leaving and what I’m gaining.  So, I’m overworked, tired in the head, excited but oh so weary.

At the X-Gym today, my trainer made me try a dip and a chin up on my own (with no weight resistance).  I was almost able to do both.  He said I was probably the only female he’s seen able to do it.  Whee!

Work is hard.  When people know you’re leaving, they treat you different.  And, sometimes it makes you feel like an outsider; sometimes it’s uncomfortable, and sometimes it gets me down.

Since I started training at the X-Gym about a year ago, I’d always heard about how important protein intake was.  And, I believed it - it just wasn’t realistic for me to take in that much via food.  So, I’ve always struggled with it and I know I never get enough to help fuel my muscles.  At the recommendation of one of my trainers, I picked up some Nectar protein powder.  And, I really can’t believe the positive effect it’s had on me this week!  For starters, it tastes great.  I have never been able to stand powders because of the grimey, chalkey taste.  And, no matter how good it was for me, I couldn’t make myself drink it.  Nectar was a bit rough the first few days as it has that ‘thing’ in it that all protein has, but overall, it masks it well and now I’m pretty used to it.  The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that it does help me feel full longer (which nothing else really does) and that’s huge when I eat so many small meals per day.  Also, it fills me up without making me feel bloat-y.  A lot of times in the afternoon, I’ll feel hungry but overly liquid full at the same time - that used to be a daily occurance and it was always uncomfortable.  Yesterday was the first day in as long as I can remember that I didn’t feel that way.  And, it was awesome!  So, I’m really hopeful that this will help me balance out my hunger and meals, and also help fuel my workouts.

I’m craving the rush of feeling especially special; in all the good ways possible.  And, feeling like I can give that too and have it be understood, appreciated, and enjoyed.

I almost called in sick today.  I didn’t feel ready to face today.  I don’t feel 100% confident in my choices.  I’m scared and insecure.  But, the past few years have taught me to face fears straight on and I’ve never been one to run away from a challenge.  So, I’ll be fearless today even if I have to convince myself of it.  I have to take risks and move forward and challenge myself.  And, I can’t regret my decisions because, even if it turns out badly, I at least stood for something.

While there are definitely some doubts, concern, and sadness associated with moving on to a new job with a new company, there is still much to be excited about.  I saw some pictures of the space today and am pretty sure I’ll gain some great experience from the job.  I wasn’t able to talk to my partner about it - and while I wish I had been able to - I also realize that this decision is for me.  I can’t make it based on outside factors or fear.  I will miss so many things about sharing a work place.  I’ve been spoiled.  But, now, I need to grow up and understand that we will work through the changes.  And, I’ll be better for going through this change - both personally and professionally.  I have a bit of time before I need to make it official - and I’ll use that time to continue to do some strong reflection on my choices.

Yesterday morning I was a bundle of nerves, but save that, I’m really proud and content with how I’ve handled myself the past few days.  It definitely, is not, all about me all the time, and I feel good when I can be supportive for others.