I don’t even know how to begin to describe the dualist nature of the feelings I went through last night.

Something superficial and out of my control, came between my partner and I.  And, the timing of him telling me about it just destroyed me.  I was so grateful that he was able to verbalize it to me because I knew it was so hard for him.  But, at the same time, it made me so incredibly sad.  I cried myself to sleep, cried in the morning, and during the day at work.  And, the irony of the whole thing was, I was so proud of him for speaking up, but I couldn’t grieve in his presence because that would show him how hard it hit me and I didn’t want to discourage him from sharing in the future.  So, there was really only the choice to grieve alone.  And I am.  I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is.  And, I don’t know how great a toll it will take on my future confidence.  I do know that I’ll hesitate in the same circumstances, at least for a while.  I do think the saddest part is how badly the whole situation broke me down.  How it made me feel so disgusting and unlovable and tiny.

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