I bought a book about dealing with break ups, no matter what side of it you’re on.  And, it’s super helpful.  I’m feeling better today.  I mean, about as good as I could expect.  One of the best things about the book is it validates my feelings as ‘normal’, and helps me see what might lie ahead.

I got a good nights’ sleep.  I worked out hard this morning.  And, I’ve planned evening activities for the rest of this week with people I really like.  I need to make a hard decision about my professional future though; and that’s weighing on me now.

Timing is such a funny thing.  I’ve decided to work on getting things in line for me, and stay primary unpartnered for a while.  Other than E, I don’t know how much I can handle right now in terms of emotional energy for secondaries.  But, of course, this would be the time that the interest floods in and I’m already seeing how I’ll need to strictly place boundaries in place if I’m to stay my path.  Happy Wednesday.

The hardest part is the questioning.  I was pretty sure when I made my decision.  And, I’m still pretty sure now but there are always doubts about my choice.  And, I still think of what I could have done or how I could have tried harder.  In the end, I will never know for sure but I can only make the most informed decision I can.  I’m doing okay.  What I miss most is the physical contact; the hugs, etc.  I forgot what it’s like not to have that.  I’ll get used to it again in time.  What I want, more than anything, is to stay close - as friends, as something.  Because, that is worth so much to me.  More than anyone might know.

I finally decided that the next chapter of my life begins today.  But, there’s not much joy in it; I’m hopeful for better but very sad for what’s being left behind.

This has now become the blog for 92.5% of my life.  The rest, is hidden somewhere else on the interwebs.  And, even then, I’m pretty sure I can’t hide from everyone.  I have some internet-savvy friends.  Fuck.

I didn’t intend it, but when something falls in your lap, you at least entertain it, right?  I got recruited for an extremely high paying job.  It might not be my dream job but it would give me a ton of financial freedom; and I wouldn’t have to do it forever.  I’m learning more about it this week; doing some interviews.  We’ll see.  Money isn’t everything.

I don’t know how to exist in this place.  It feels like my world has shrunk down to a few square feet in each direction.  It feels like there’s no freedom or trust or flexibility.  I can’t remember a time when I had so little idea of what tomorrow would look like; or what I wanted it to look like.  I actually have no clue about anything; just that I’m hurt and this feels like a definite cross roads.

Ugh, feeling like you’re the last to know something fucking sucks.

So.. turns out my writings have caused more harm than good.  I cherish having this outlet but I can’t feel good about expressing if it’s going to be a negative force.  The only thing I can do (short of starting a new anonymous blog) is keep my entries protected.  There will likely be more of those upcoming.  I know who comes here and I trust many of you deeply; I’ll forward you the password. Cheers all.

I have a ton to say but don’t have a good outlet for it.  And, I’m not even sure this is an okay place; I need to check first.  But, wow, it’s been an amazing weekend so far.

I don’t do well with ultimatums.   Never have.